Friday, April 21, 2006


So there were some ideas that have been waffling around in my head for a while, the kind of ideas where you think "that's interesting, but I'll put more thought into it later, since it's a ways off."

Well, all of a sudden one of those far-off considerations became an immediate concern, if I were going to do it.

When I first heard of it being a short-term possiblity, I was ecstatic, deliriously happy. The next day I was afraid. All the what-ifs began presenting themselves. But I'll do research, I have time for that, and if everything checks out, then all systems go. Life is too short to be spent in fear. One must risk in order to truly experience.

I look at myself today and wonder back, and sometimes I am proud that I have grown and matured, but there are still times in which I feel like a child playing adult games. I don't really know the rules yet, so I do what I can, what I think is right, ask when I get truly flustered, and hope I don't land on a "BACK TO START" square.

This 'idea' is one of those latter instances. It's something I so depserately WANT, but I wonder if it is something I'm ABLE to do, since it's another step up the child-to-adult ladder, and I'm afraid the rung has rotted through and will break.

Of course, maybe it's just the difference between before and after. Maybe I just don't think I can do something until I realize I've already done it? The psyche is a strange and sometimes disturbing place.


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